Thursday, December 9, 2010

Pear Shaped

Every day the husband asks me if I'm going to write and every day I give him the same answer.

I don't know

I just haven't felt like myself lately. To be honest, it kinda feels like being stuck in a bowl of jello. Everything's a little wobbly and nothing feels right.

I worry that it will never feel right.

People keep telling me that it gets easier and over time it hurts just a little bit less but I want to make someone put it in writing....give me a date...something to work towards. I want to know WHEN the hurt will go away.

You know, I'm fairly certain that when my Dad died, my heart died with him. But then I think...if I don't have a heart anymore...then how come I hurt so much?

One of life's great mysteries I guess.

Sigh. This is why I haven't written. I don't want to be known as the person responsible for depressing the whole Blogdom. Sorry guys.


"Just Sayin....." said...

Vent away. Cry away. Scream that you hate the whole. It all helps.

Please do not censor yourself from the blogsphere.

I have plenty of usable infor to give (in private if you'd prefer) to dealing with the lost of a parent. I've lost two.

Take what you will from this though.
"It does not get easier, it just gets different."

Chin up luv xo
Blogging is great therapy.

berly02 said...

You should post, no matter if you think depressing. The more you express, the sooner the hurt will start to feel different. The sooner you can "get over it".
Btw - I hate when people say that. Do you ever really get over anything? Or just change how you view it.
I am here my friend. Email if you like. We can share the pain.

Jane said...

I don't know what to say except that I'm so very sorry. I don't think anyone can expect you to be "all better" after just a few months. Take things one day at a time. My thoughts are with you.

Princess Pessimism said...

i dont think that time heals all wounds. I dont believe that at all...but I do think that time makes you numb to how you were feeling, and helps you deal a little bit better wtih the pain.

My best friend commit suicide 13 years ago this coming january...and it still hurts just as bad...its easier now because im used to it....I feel your pain Sucks.

Anonymous said...

I love the picture. There's just something about those Daddy/daughter pictures. My favorite one of my Dad and I is of when I was about 2 and it was Easter time. I'm in my little dress and bonnet and he was in his ball cap and red flannel shirt. The pain won't go away but you will find that it will change with time, and posting about it is just fine.

yrautca said...

Your dad is alive in your heart and he will stay there for as long as you are alive. To comprehend this pain for someone who hasnt lost a parent is impossible. But I learned with experience that after time healed intense pain and wounds, pieces just fell into place and life (and death) looked more familiar. Not now, but maybe someday you would want your dad to live in a happy, content, wiser heart.

Christielli said...

Blogs are for venting. We all do it, and it's a great thing to do because you realize you have this bizarre online support system of strangers. So keep venting away if you need to. Readers never mind.

Losing a parent must be so hard. Especially when this time of year roles around. I wish you peace.

mistyblue3 said...

I hear you :( Yesterday was 6 months exactly since my dad passed. Grief comes in waves. The most common question (so I'm told by my hospice friends) is 'when am I going to feel better?" Ha, pretty much never. At least that's what it seems like sometimes. I have days where I feel fantastic. When I finally feel like, ok, I can do this, I'm good. I'm fine. I can smile more than cry, and mean it! And then, it creeps back. I started therapy to help me cope. Do you have someone to talk to? I'm thinking it may be time to get meds. I don't want to stop living my life, and enjoying the hell out of every second of it b/c I'm broken. Whatever your feeling/doing/not doing/over doing, is all just fine- there is not a 'right' way to grieve. Hang in there babe. I'll be thinking of you!

Professor Fate said...

It takes more than a few weeks or a months for the sharp edges to wear down. My Mom has been gone for 7.5 years and I still almost bought her the most perfect Christmas present this year.

It will slowly recede. Certain dates may bring it back to the surface (Christmas was HER holiday so my dad has traveled here every Christmas since).

You need to try to keep it from defining your life and your actions. You deserve a happier life than that. Your husband deserves a happier wife. And I think it would make your Dad would be sad to know that your life stopped because of him.

Embrace life. Live life to the fullest. Someday it will end and then it is to late.

tsduff said...

It has been 9 years since that dreadful day I lost my Mom. Yes, the pain has dulled considerably, but at Christmas when I get out her ornaments, the pain is as fresh as ever. It will never go away. After losing my husband in 2004, I overheard someone say "Isn't she over it yet?" 3 months later - I was infuriated.

I'm sorry for your loss - and as Just Sayin said, it doesn't get easier, just different. xo

Jabba said...

Yes, please post about it - we are all human! I've heard people say that hurt like this doesn't go away - it's more like after a while you just learn to live with it.
I haven't been around your blog for very long but I really hope everything is okay.

Professor Fate said...

Snowmageddon is upon us. Work and out of the house activities can't be interfering with your blogging. That just leaves your funk. (And I not criticizing because I have been there.)

I wish I had some more sage words of advice, but I'm pretty well tapped out. It is not a wake up and morning and everything will be better. If you think so you are doing yourself a disservice. I have know some folks who needed professional help to talk those next steps. It doesn't mean that you are weak, it just means you need help.

Professor Fate said...

I lied, I do have one more piece of advice. It may seem trite, but if you can ignore its ties to AA then it is decent advice.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Lindsey said...

Thanks you guys. I have the best blogger friends a girl could ask for. I'm doing a little better. Just been dreaming about him a lot lately and feeling all out of sorts.

I'll write soon, just need to figure out what to write about!I've been utterly boring lately.