Thursday, November 18, 2010

Stranger Danger

I think I must have one of those faces. The kind that says, “I’m open to being approached by oddballs, weirdos and lunatics. Send me your worst.”

Of course leave it to the Universal Powers That Be to make this the one time they actually decide listen. Typical.

I’m fairly certain that you could drop someone who…(well let’s just say they may not be the brightest light on the tree) into a crowded sea of people and they would inevitably suction cup themselves to me.

It’s the face. I’m telling you.

My insides shriek, “Stranger danger!”

My face says, “Welcome.”

It’s a pretty poor combination, I must admit.

Last week I stopped by the store for some girlie things and as I made my way to the front of the line I was greeted with a smile and a “How are you this morning?”

“Fine thank you.”

As I dug in my purse for my debit card, the cashier says, “Girl…you can’t tell me you fine. I see what you’re buying.” With a knowing look she nods towards my girlie things. “There ain’t nothin about you today that‘s fine…believe you me. I can tell already, you gonna have one of them days.”

I glanced uncomfortably at the line of people behind me and thought to myself, well if my face is going to let me down, maybe I need to at least start practicing the angry eyes. That could be promising….

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Shrinking Conspiracy

I think my clothes have shrunk.

Being that it‘s been colder than a well digger‘s butt lately, I finally got around to hauling my winter clothes from the depths of the closet and spent the whole morning getting everything washed and sorted when a curious thing happened.

Nothing fit.

Hmm...the Shrink Fairy must have visited my closet. That or that sneaky little washer has been shrinking my clothes again. It happens from time to time. I think it has some sort of vendetta against me. A missing sock here, a shirt shrunk there…I’m onto it now.

It’s just a shame that my entire wardrobe had to fall victim to wicked fairies and a washing machine with a grudge. I mean, obviously it’s just a stroke of rotten luck…it’s not like I put on a few pounds or anything. That would just be silly.

Although….I haven’t exactly weighed myself in awhile. But that’s mostly because scales are vile, evil devices. I had the misfortune to run across one at a doctor’s office that actually talked.

In FRONT of people!

Completely unaware that I was about to visit hell, I stepped onto the scale and promptly fell off with a start when it began shouting my weight to everyone within earshot. Yeah….I don’t go there anymore.

At any rate, it’s too cold to walk around naked so I guess a shopping trip is in order. Maybe I’ll even pick up a scale while I’m at it. I hear the fairies are scared of scales…

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Out of Order

I’ve decided that I need to get a car that runs on alternative fuel. Selfishly, this revelation has not come from environmental awareness but from a strong personal desire to avoid the universal powers that be.

As I was pumping gas into my car, I caught sight of a man walking purposefully towards me. I turned my gaze back to the screen and squeezed the pump handle harder, silently willing it to pour faster as I muttered, “Please don’t come over here, PLEASE don’t come over here.”

He came over there.

He smiled warmly and said, “Could I give you something to take home and read?” I glanced down at the booklet in his hand and broke out into a relieved grin as I realized he was not intending to preach or lecture me as is most common in these situations. So yes, gladly I accepted the booklet and bid him farewell.

It wasn’t until I looked more closely at the glossy cover that my smile quickly faded away. There, amidst a vast amount of nothingness was a lone figure followed by the title, “Lonliness…How You Can Cope.”

Wait a minute.

I glanced up to see if the people nearby were being offered the same paper but to my dismay, the little messenger had returned to his car and pulled away. Upon second thought I realized he hadn’t approached any of the others before me either. So I have a big “Out of Order” sign emblazoned over my head? Or maybe it says, “Maintenance Required.”

If I were still single, this would have been one of those cosmic signs that would make me want to go home and slit my wrists. There are those who choose to assume that if you’re single, you are inherently miserable and lonesome. God forbid you are single and fabulous! (I’m a recently reformed spinster…can you tell I’m still bitter? Lol.)

But this brings us back to the matter at hand. Apparently I’m lonely and need guidance on how to cope…which is funny because I didn’t know I was lonely. I wish someone would have clued me in sooner because really, I’ve been playing the bit quite poorly. Jetting away every weekend for fun and adventures with family and friends and waking up next to an awesome guy every morning. How careless of me. I’ll do better tomorrow.