Thursday, November 4, 2010

Out of Order

I’ve decided that I need to get a car that runs on alternative fuel. Selfishly, this revelation has not come from environmental awareness but from a strong personal desire to avoid the universal powers that be.

As I was pumping gas into my car, I caught sight of a man walking purposefully towards me. I turned my gaze back to the screen and squeezed the pump handle harder, silently willing it to pour faster as I muttered, “Please don’t come over here, PLEASE don’t come over here.”

He came over there.

He smiled warmly and said, “Could I give you something to take home and read?” I glanced down at the booklet in his hand and broke out into a relieved grin as I realized he was not intending to preach or lecture me as is most common in these situations. So yes, gladly I accepted the booklet and bid him farewell.

It wasn’t until I looked more closely at the glossy cover that my smile quickly faded away. There, amidst a vast amount of nothingness was a lone figure followed by the title, “Lonliness…How You Can Cope.”

Wait a minute.

I glanced up to see if the people nearby were being offered the same paper but to my dismay, the little messenger had returned to his car and pulled away. Upon second thought I realized he hadn’t approached any of the others before me either. So what....do I have a big “Out of Order” sign emblazoned over my head? Or maybe it says, “Maintenance Required.”

If I were still single, this would have been one of those cosmic signs that would make me want to go home and slit my wrists. There are those who choose to assume that if you’re single, you are inherently miserable and lonesome. God forbid you are single and fabulous! (I’m a recently reformed spinster…can you tell I’m still bitter? Lol.)

But this brings us back to the matter at hand. Apparently I’m lonely and need guidance on how to cope…which is funny because I didn’t know I was lonely. I wish someone would have clued me in sooner because really, I’ve been playing the bit quite poorly. Jetting away every weekend for fun and adventures with family and friends and waking up next to an awesome guy every morning. How careless of me. I’ll do better tomorrow.

22 comments:

yrautca said...

My first thought was jehova's witnesses. This would have shocked me if it happened to me.

Also society is biased against singles because they want you to live by the rules. Being single is pretty great too. I'm sure so is being married.

tsduff said...

Well, I have followed the cooling trail of rose petals and wedding cake to the new blog - congrats Lindsay on the name. It fits :)

And it is funny too.

bonda84 said...

The universal powers that be have a sick sense of humor sometimes :P

Hypatia said...

Reminds me of a story I read awhile back about a woman who was working behind the McDonald's counter and someone handed her a pamphlet saying she was going to hell for dressing like a whore.

Wooo weee...

heather yalin said...

hahah, you're funny. i'm sure you aren't in need of immediate assistance! maybe it was a cry for help on his part, because you look so zen and nice, maybe he was just looking for a sympathetic soul... or else he was on an errand of some sociology project :) you never know!

Flower Patch Farmgirl said...

Well, who woulda....??

I guess good for him for listening to that inner voice of his, even if it's hearing impaired?

;)

ps- What a stunning bride you were/are!

Jabba said...

That is so crazy! I wonder why he approached you, and at a gas station while you're pumping gas?! I thought for sure it was jehova's witnesses as well.

Kris said...

Oh man. As a single chick, that'd make me burst into tears in public. Or I'd just make my own pamphlet that says "How To Stop Being A Rude Fuckwad" and track that guy down.

Petula said...

That's funny. Now I'm thinking, "Are you lonely and just don't know it?" LOL... This is a great post.

Jules said...

You have got to be kidding me! If it were true and you were some miserable shell of a person didn't the guy consider that pamphlet could have set you over the edge? I'm sorry, but that really takes a lot of nerve on his part. Little does he know you're happy and fabulous.

P.S. Thanks for the comment on my blog and I am so glad that I found your blog! I look forward to reading more.

megan @ whatmegansmaking said...

first time to your blog and I'm hooked! Can't wait to go back and catch up. This story definitely made me laugh :)

ty said...

Hahahahahahhaha ... maybe you were sad about gas prices, and that was mistaken for loneliness :)

Gwen said...

I think these people hand stuff to those of us that are easily approached. I get handed stuff all of the time. And I just toss it when I round the corner. Definitely don't take it personally. XOXO

Jill said...

how random and weird!
Yeah if he gave that to someone at the wrong time they would probably burst into tears.
Thanks for checking out my blog, I'm following yours now. I looked through your old blog a bit too! I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago (we were dating long distance) but I hope that maybe in a year or 2 we can be reuinted like you and your husband were.

Princess Pessimism said...

Awww....this is sucky. Ive enjoyed being single, and ive enjoyed not being single. I am currently in transition from single to not single, and im liking that as well.

But ive never been lonely....theres always someone around.

dont eat the token said...

That is really odd...

thanks for stopping by my blog earlier and for your support :)

Jenni said...

What the HELL!! What a weirdo. That's QUITE funny!!! Gave you something great to blog about, at least! ;)

Shell in your Pocket said...

Well, I don't know about universal powers but those cars would drive me crazy! Even though gas is $3 a gallon.

Hang in there!

sandy toe

Helen said...

Well if it makes you feel better I had card-swipe issues when I went to fill my car yesterday and so I got told to "shake your fat ass girly" while I was scrabbling for change in my bag.

Alternative fuels might be the answer! Otherwise I might have a boyfriend with assault charges soon!

berly02 said...

My dear Linny, this guy carries around these pamphlets as a way to pick up girls. He sees a pretty ladie, he goes up and hands it out. All the while, hoping it will make you want to call someone to not be lonely with. Check it for a number. He is hoping you'll call. :)


And if there is no number. He is a deluded ass monkey.

Kim @ NewlyWoodwards said...

This is STRANGE. I don't know what I would have done.

These two women come to my house every Sunday to give me a bible pamphlet. They are actually very sweet, but incredibly awkward. I guess they assume if we are home on Sundays, that we must need the help. Luckily, we usually work at the house on Sundays, so maybe they think we've turned a corner.

wanderingmenace said...

hahahaha
I love this story.
I've received pamphlets and books, and once even a book of mormom with passages highlited regarding my immoral behavior (was on a flight to mardi gras at the time).
Consider me a follower.