Back to Work

My energy is coming back and I finally feel like getting back to reality. I really want to get back to writing so I'm taking baby steps and continuing with the movie reviews for my local paper and currently I'm working on an article to submit to one of my favorite webistes for consideration in a series of articles they are commissioning. I did my outline this morning and hope to have it finished by tomorrow....keep your fingers crossed that it'll get picked! I don't really care about the money, I just like seeing my stuff in print. :)

I'm off to get this sucker knocked out but I'll leave you with my review of "The Help" which was published in yesterday's paper. The paper is a small, local one so they have us on super word restriction so we can't get as detailed as we'd always like...but that is my regular challenge and I love it! :)

"The Help" 3 out of 4 stars

Whenever a novel strikes a nerve with a large number of people, its big screen counterpart is generally met with both anticipation and trepidation. In this case, I think director Tate Taylor did a respectable job of bringing "The Help" to life while trying to stay loyal to Kathyrn Stockett's 2009 novel of the same name.

Based in the 1960s Mississippi, "The Help" is the story of black maids working for wealthy white families at a time when the Civil Rights Moment was still in its infancy, and segregation and abuse were still the norm. Some of the stories will break your heart while other stories make you laugh out loud but most importantly...they make you feel.

The truth isn't always easy, nor is it always pretty but as they say, "The truth shall set you free."

Heading for the Light

Well, I finally had the physical miscarriage over the weekend. For those of you who have never had one...it is beyond awful. I can assure you that the doctor's briefing on the topic was not at all sufficient for the reality of the process. Had an especially traumatizing experience at the doctor's office this afternoon when they checked to make sure I'd had a 'total miscarriage' but I'll spare you the gory details.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

But on the plus side, they said that we could start trying again in two months so that is the little piece of light I've been holding onto.

The husband and I are leaving tomorrow for Indianapolis. He has a convention and I'm taking a much needed break from everything familiar. I am so looking forward to this...dreading the 9 1/2 drive but it will all be worth it!

Sad Day

It's a sad day for this former spinster. We went back to the new doctor for another ultrasound today and found that I had indeed had an early miscarriage at 7 weeks. Physically I haven't had the actual miscarriage yet (I've been told it will happen within 2-4 weeks) but they're certain...there is no longer a heartbeat or growth.

We are deeply sad and disappointed. I just keep thinking about how happy our families have been...how they've been bragging to everyone.

Sigh.

Thanks for sending us your happy thoughts. Keep them coming...we're gonna need them.

Bedside Manner

Or should I say lack thereof.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, it's been a series of back experiences with the nurse at the OBGYN office. Over the last 3 weeks we've done weekly labs and every week she calls me to tell me that she unhappy with the results and we're likely in the early stages of a miscarriage but she never brings me in for an ultrasound which is more accurate than labs alone. So we pull strings and drive an hour north to get a scan elsewhere, where we find that so far everything looks normal.

Fast forward to this week where I get the now regular "your labs suck and it's bad news" phone call. But this time she says that she consulted a doctor in the practice whom I've never seen in the 10 years I've been going there (my regular doctor is retired from OB) and supposedly he said that based on my labs this isn't a viable pregnancy and I need to schedule a time to come in so that we can set a timeline for "how long I plan to let this go on." #1 Who says shit like that? # 2....why would you say that when you've NEVER seen me and you still haven't done an ultrasound??!

I flat out told her I wasn't doing or speaking to anyone until we had a scan so she brought me in yesterday. I was sick to my stomach the entire time and was so terrified but as soon as the tech turned on the machine...there was not only a baby...but there was a heartbeat. I stared at it, just watching it flutter away like crazy. We were so happy. They were wrong yet again.

But then the nurse from hell comes in and glances at the little picture I was holding so proudly and says off handedly, "That's not normal. You're going to meet with the doctor." So again I get my feet kicked out from under me and have to meet the doctor who was so quick to write me off. He proceeds to tell me that the news wasn't good and frankly he was shocked they were able to get a fetal pole much less a heartbeat. Said the baby's heart beat isn't as fast as he feels it should be at this gestation and it will take a miracle for it to survive. Said I should expect to miscarry within the next 2 weeks.

Needless to say, I'm devastated and scared but trying to stay positive and hope for the best since they've been wrong both times before. I've also switched practices and have an appointment with the new doctor Tuesday afternoon so I am praying that maybe there will be a positive change by then. You know, I've not done a whole lot of praying since I was little and when my Dad died...I was angry with God for a REALLY long time. But as I sat in that waiting room, more scared than I have ever been...I rested my hand on top of the Bible that was on the table next to me and prayed my little heart out. I just hope he heard me.

Update

First, thank you everyone for your well wishes! They mean a bunch.

Had a bit of a scare yesterday (first time pregnancy is scary in and of itself but throw in the levels that aren't of the norm and arrggg. Get outta here.) Anyway, so to just put our minds at ease, I had an ultrasound today and they were able to see the yolk sac and that the lining is thickening (sorry boys). Still too early to see the baby or a heart beat as they think I may be barely 5 weeks along but in about 3 weeks or so we should be able to have another scan to check for all that so that we can breathe a final sigh of relief. This was a very positive vist and the new doctor I saw was very reassuring and said at this point everything looks right on track!

Hooray!!!

So while the butterbean is gonna do some growing...momma is gonna do some sleeping. I'm exhausted!

Unexpected News

So, I have news.

I'm pregnant!

Quite frankly, I'm still in shock but the husband is beside himself with excitement. If all goes well, we'll have company around February 23rd.

There's a hitch though and that's why I'm writing this post. All may not go well.

My bloodwork showed my HCG levels rising but not quite doubling as they would like and my progesterone was a little on the low side but they started me on prometrium to help fix that. There is a great chance that everything will be FINE, especially with my doctor being proactive and starting the prometrium BUT there is also a very large chance that we didn't catch it in time and I could lose the baby.

This is has been my one place where I could be totally honest and because of this I feel comfortable telling you that I am TERRIFIED. Scared shitless. There is a sweet little baby growing inside of me and I am doing everything within my power to ensure that it continues to thrive. But I guess what scares me the most are the things that I don't have control over. Not a whole lot I can do about those things except hope and pray for the best.

I have to go back on Monday for another round of blood work so we'll know more then. PLEASE keep us in your thoughts...

The Year That Was

One year ago today I was crammed into a too small room in the corner of the hospital, staring off into space as the doctor told my family there was nothing more they could do. I remember the sensation of losing all feeling in my body as I stared at the doctor's moving mouth and wondering why I could not longer hear him.

One year ago today...a piece of me died.

Death causes a sticky kind of pain that clings to your insides with ferocity. It's an overwhelming kind of pain that takes you by surprise and creeps up at moments you least expect. It's a hurt that I've learned to live with.

There aren't enough words to express how much I miss my Daddy or what I would give to have one more day.

Just one more day.