Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Devil Wears Brown

I work for a company that gets daily UPS deliveries. And by a stroke of luck, it just so happens that my office is where the boys in brown choose to plop their packages before literally sticking their little signature pad in my face without regard to whatever else I may be doing. God forbid I’m on the phone or in the middle of writing something because then comes the dramatically loud sigh or the vigorous clearing of a throat…plainly signaling me drop whatever I’m doing at all costs so that they may have my undivided attention.

Some days I’m tempted to offer them a lozenge from the depths of my desk. Of course I’d have to pry it from the bottom of the drawer but surely it’s still good. It’s only been there since last Christmas…or was it the winter before that?

No matter.

Pluck off that bit of lint and they’ll be none the wiser.

If they choke on it…even better.

Nevertheless, most of the time I do stop to sign the proffered tablet just so I can rid myself of them. Though between you and me, I’m not even sure why I bother. Before I’ve even gotten past the first three letters of my name, their hands are already snaking towards the tablet, fingers visibly trembling with the desire to snatch the thing right out of my hands.

The pressure to write faster than I can blink has become so great that I’ve taken to sneaking from my office when I realize they’ve entered the building. On the days when my warnings come a bit late, it’s admittedly less like sneaking and more like hurling myself out the door. Though of course not every escape attempt is a successful one. I once ran face first into the UPS man’s chest, nearly knocking us both over. Imagine my disappointment when instead of reaching out a hand to steady me, he handed me the tablet.

Always the gentleman.

Personally, I think they take great fun in watching me scribble my signature with tortuous speed. Maybe if I sign as, “Asshole” next time they’ll get the picture.

14 comments:

berly02 said...

Just draw and X and be done. It counts. Promise! :)

Jabba said...

You need a regular signature and a UPS signature! The UPS one could just be an X like berly02 says, that way it's quicker!

Do it!

Siobhan said...

I had a UPS signature like the others suggested. As most letters in my name is curly it was a big swirly squiggle that takes seconds. I now wish that was my regular signature as it takes less time.

Christielli said...

Oh man, this post made me laugh. It's too bad that you have to live it though. Who would have thought those dudes in brown were so evil??

Seriously though, the lady who receives shipments at my work is soooo scary she could scare them. I wish I could UPS her to you!

LL Cool Joe said...

I can never write on those tablets anyway. What pisses me off is the way they insist on holding it while you sign it. Like I'm interested in stealing their stupid tablet!

Lindsey said...

My name has a total of 13 letters and when I was explaining the whole UPS debacle to my husband he said, "Why don't you just sign your first initial and your last name?"

I stared at him like he'd grown a second head. OF COURSE!!! Why did I never think of that? Why go to the trouble of 13 when I can do 7? Apparently I'm a bit slow witted. Oh well. :)

Wynn said...

You should write an essay on their tables. No one will get it unless they match all the signatures together and see the sentences forming!

3carnations said...

I think we must have the same UPS guy. If there is no one up front when ours comes in (and there rarely is, as we have no receptionist anymore), he goes charging back into the depths of the office. I have nearly crashed into him many a time.

Alice said...

or you could start signing all sorts of fun things, to see if they notice - like Mickey Mouse or Superman or Paris Hilton.. :)

emily-jane.net said...

My signature is crazy and takes a few seconds longer than the susual scribble... and I HATE the pressure from the delivery guys as they reach their hands out for the tablet when you "should" be done and roll their eyes when you're not!!

Miss Ash said...

Horrible manners but you just made me laugh sooo hard when you said he offered you the tablet rather than a helping hand! Jerk!

bonda84 said...

I got a chuckle out of this, especially the cough drop part, as I in desperate need of something to make my cough go away, gave in and sucked on a cough drop that's been in my desk before I started here...8 years ago.

dont eat the token said...

Yes! Sign Asshole!

"Just Sayin....." said...

lol I think many people can related to this entry.

My couriers love me as I refuse to greet them with anything less than what they greet me with.

I always sign just be scribbling a circle. Which cracks most of them up cos you can never read them anyways.